End of the year blues

I am writing this as I sit at work in the desk I share with a woman who is 4 times my age. I am not very good at math so I’ll just add she is about 85 years old. That fact has particularly nothing to do with what I wanted to write about today so yes I’ve just wasted the seconds it took you to read the above, suckers.

I hate the end of the year because it simply ends but it doesn’t really. I mean we wake up on the first and its a new year but nothing has really changed and that’s what I hate about it. I’m just going to come out and say it, yes I am going through a break up and as cliche as it may sound I am depressed as fuck. Like yes, I know I deserve better, yes he’s completely treated me like crap and done quite literally what he’s ever wanted to do with me. But I hate breaking up near the end of the year the most, it makes me feel like I’ve wasted a whole fucking year with the wrong person, feeling the wrong things, looking for things that were never there and were never going to be there. So I feel lost, like I’m reaching out for something in the dark, and I keep bumping into things and it hurts.

This might hurt more then when I found out everything or more like everyONE that he’d been doing while he was away. Granted I myself found out all those intimate details all on my own, so I was destined to depress myself, I did it to me.

The good thing I guess, out of all this misery is that I think I now have standards for the type of men I allow to get intimately close to me. My family all say that they could see it was all going to hell and that he’d gotten real comfortable with me taking up 98% of the work that goes into having a relationship. It’s fucked up, but they didn’t say anything because I was happy.

I forgot how therapeutic writing is. I’ve been bothering my poor mother with my crazy relationship drama since day 1 and she’s always found the time to sit me down and talk me through the crazy. It must be exhausting to deal with your own shit and then have all your 3 kids to deal with but you couldn’t tell it affected her, she’s always up to the task. I haven’t written anything on this blog in 2 years so excuse me if I’m a bit rusty or this was just the most boring thing you’ve ever read, it’s where I’m at.

I want to end on a good note though. I’ve got a lot of job positions that might be opening up with the new year and that’s quite possibly the best news I could have. I’m going to give it my all and see what comes of it.

 

 

 

 

To Sex Or Not To Sex. That Is The Question.

blogpic4 Why does sex mean so much to me?? Maybe it’s because I think it should be this big event. I mean it means saying goodbye to my innocence right? Another valid reason could be my parents. Their whole love story. It’s hard to beat and even harder to achieve these days. My parents met when my dad was working at a grocery store, he was 16 my mom was 17. It was love at first sight. How cute. They dated for 5 years, no sex. They waited until marriage, and 4 years later I came along. It’s a nice thought really. To marry the guy who deflowers you. But it’s just not what I want. I want to make mistakes. I want to give it to some guy who I love but don’t really see myself with the rest of my life. Let’s be honest people come and go. Chances are you won’t marry the guy you sleep with the first time. And that’s ok. I think I’ve been in love. I would have slept with him but then again I would have slept with any of them. If it had lasted long enough. But what does time really tell you anyway? My mother has been telling me lately that you never truly know a person, no matter how long you’ve been with them. Time then, doesn’t ensure anything. It doesn’t ensure the fact that they will stay with you a week, a month or a year after sleeping with you. I guess I truly want some extraordinary sign to tell me, hey this guy loves you go ahead you can let him in.

Dating these days is fucking difficult. Or maybe I make it that way. Either way, I’m seeing this guy I met online. Ha, yeah I said online. My parents find that super weird like SO WEIRD. My friends though find it completely normal and I find it kinda lame. I’ve always believed in fate, let love come find you sort of thing. But it hasn’t worked so far and I’m tired of waiting for prince charming. I feel like I’ve lost my way in this post so I will tell you more about him in the next one.

A pleasure as always xx

Snow white and the 7 assholes.

I’ve dated 7 guys in my 21 years. Notice I said “dated”. They weren’t all full on relationships. I’ve actually never been in one of those. Like ew. Why. A whole year, really? 2 years? Nope, the longest “relationship” for me was 6 months people. The funny thing is at least for me is that they all happened in the course of one year. ONE YEAR. 2014 was an interesting year indeed. I not only turned 21 but apparently according to my family I went boy crazy. That was big for me because in my 21 years I’d never even kissed a guy, never dated anyone in high school, went on any dates. I’m going to change the names but here goes.

The One That I Met While Working At Marshalls

Yup, I said Marshalls and if you’re wondering yes it was romantic af. I’m kidding of course. David was and I imagine still is a huge flirt. I mean since I started working he would always find some reason to come over and say hello, we’d laugh a little and it’d help pass the time. Well things progressed of course and one day while he’d walked me to my car, I was leaning on my car and he kissed me. When I say kissed me I don’t mean lightly. No, that boy attacked my face. It was my first kiss and  I will never forget it. Although he was a total loser and a few months after we “broke up” he got a girl pregnant. But that’s life for ya.

The One That Treated Me Right But I Was A Brat

This guy was great. Really. Sure, my parents weren’t so sure about it because of his physical appearance and they were confused as to why I was even dating him. They thought I should have higher standards. My friends on the other hand thought it was weird because of the age gap. I was 20 and he was 25. It’s a long story but he’d been my tutor in high school and when I graduated life pushed him into my path. I honestly didn’t care about his age. He made me laugh and with all the shit that I had going on in my life, that’s important. I called it off with some lame ass excuse telling him that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. We never even kissed.

The One With Daddy’s Money

I met this guy at work to, but not Marshalls my other job ha. Lets call him Turtis, Turtis was a nice guy, but he was only 19. And oh my god it showed. Your typical never had a job, daddy and mommy do everything for me kind of guy. Turtis was sweet but all we did was make out, and there were some hot make out sessions but other than that no real connection outside of the physical. So when he left to AZ we tried to do the long distance thing but it didnt work, at all.

The One Who Left Me For Germany ( Who Wouldn’t!!)

This guy was 24. I don’t know i just like older guys, I like the fact that they’ve got it together a bit. I met Kevin at school on a Thursday night around lets say 6PM. I remember feeling angry because Turtis hadn’t been texting me so i was feeling unwanted and undesired. At this point we were still doing the long distra I was looking super hot, in a little black dress, my hair was still kind of wet from my shower and I was sitting on a bench listening to music waiting for class to start. I’m sitting there listening to music when a guy who was walking by, stopped and came to sit next to me. He asked, “Is this seat taken?” and I shook my head no. Kevin was hot, in that country boy kind of way. He started a conservation out of thin air and managed to get my phone number. We had some great dates and passionate kisses.  It was all awesome and gay until he brought up the fact that he had a trip to Germany coming up. That soiled everything. The last time we had dinner at his mom’s house , I was looking through one of his notebooks from school and saw that he’d written, “take a different girl out every night.” It literally shattered my heart into a thousand tiny pieces and I knew it was over. When he came back he texted me and even sent me a Deutschland banner that I still have hanging on my wall. But for me it was already too late.

The One Who Asked Me Out On The Last Day Of German

The Russian was clever. He got to know me pretty well, would make me food from Argentina knowing too well that, that is were my heart really was. He was overbearing and a know-it-all at times. Whenever we would go out to dinner with his family he was always really serious and would try to teach me things like the fact that you have to raise your glass when someones giving a toast. There are so many little things and big things that lead to the end. Like, the fact that whenever I got all dressed up to go out with him, he never complimented me. The point is, it ended and I am so ok with that.

The One With The Great Body And Drop Your Panties Eyes

Steven ugh Steven was sooo fine. Like picture a tall, blond, cutie with a booty and you’ve got it. He even wore glasses. I work at a mechanic shop as a detailer so when Steven started he helped our mechanic because our other one had gotten injured. I don’t know if any of you girls have ever watched a guy work on a car but let me tell you. It doesn’t get any better than that. Watching that boy work on a car was all I needed to last me through the weekend. But enough of that, the point is we had 2 great nights, no sex just really hot make out sessions. We drank margaritas and a whole bunch of other drinks, held hands, acted like the couple we weren’t and would never be. Steven was exciting and then he just wasn’t.

The One That Got Away …Again

After Steven I was going through some serious shit. My heart hurt, I was confused, I was angry but most of all and pathetically so I was lonely. Why hadn’t anything worked out? WTF is wrong with me?? Maybe I’m way too easy. Maybe I’m a lesbian. Maybe I should become a lesbian? Maybe I should take a break from guys. In the end I didn’t do any of the above, I did the complete opposite and something I’d never done before. I called one of my exes up. Actually because I’m a huge coward I just sent him a Facebook message. This is guy number 2, if you’re wondering. This guy turned my whole world upside down. He was in simple terms fucking perfect. He was funny, sarcastic, nice, smart, he loved me the way I was. I remember one night he was taking me back home after our date and we were talking and laughing and he told me he loved me. There’s no greater feeling for sure. We ended it because life isn’t fair. Or maybe it is, maybe life is saving me from myself.

That’s all of them ladies and gents. Have a good weekend xx

Hello world! Bonjour! Hallo! Hola!

Greetings everyone,

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First and foremost I’d like to start off by saying that this wasn’t planned. I haven’t always wanted to start a blog, but I do feel like it is time to share some of my stories. At 21, let me tell you I’ve got plenty. I’m not your normal, regular American girl like in that song by Carrie Underwood. Don’t get me wrong its great song but it’s just not me. I’m starting this blog because I’m tired of hiding who I am from, you know literally everyone who knows me. My mother is constantly telling me that this is my life and I’ve got to accept who I am and move on. So this is my way of doing that ma 
When I was 9 nothing mattered. At school we were all kids everyone was friends with everyone, nobody cared what language our parents spoke, where we lived, what car we drove. Ignorance indeed is bliss. But I guess that’s what being a kid is, everyone’s always asking me, if I remember Argentina. I WAS NINE YEARS OLD! No I don’t remember what the streets look like, what my school looked like, what my bed looked like! I think the moment I actually ‘woke up’ and started thinking and seeing things and understanding our situation was when I was 10 or 11. But even then I knew nothing. Nothing about what we would go through, the things we’d lose, the many many times we would move. I know by now you are all probably confused as heck as to what the hell I’m trying to tell you so let me make it easy for you. I moved to the states with my parents and my sister when I was 9 years old. I am now 21 and an undocumented college student trying to finish college, be happy, fall in love, travel to Germany and make my parents proud.